Recently, I broke off from a beautiful relationship abruptly. I had waited my whole life for this relationship. It was my first real relationship. I had promised I wouldn’t do the trial and error thing familiar with the world today and I didn’t. I waited for all through university for the right one.
However, the relationship crept up on me. I knew I’d be in a relationship by 23, but I just wasn’t expecting to meet my ‘Him’ just yet, at least not at the nick of 23. He was everything I was expecting ‘Mr. Him’ to be. Handsome, weird, unusual, caring, incredibly intelligent, tech-savvy and confident. He was just a full dose of amazing. He had that adorable eyes, you know that type that is filled with so much innocence and mischief. I told him often that those eyes drove me short of bonkers.
You know, I recall every detail of our first date. Goodness me! We did the most amazing. We took selfies with a lion; we drooled over pizza; we priced movie tickets together; we looked at animals and we created poetry around each one. He challenged my box—I had to think outside that box. We argued that day too. Well, he said he doesn’t like ladies so much. Apparently, he’s had some funny experience. And of course, I disliked him because of that—I mean I was heading a platform for ladies. We shared so much in one day that I was left breathless. I’m not even going to say jack about the day he asked me out (Story for another day).
Before I said yes, I was careful. I had feared; ugly looking monsters, I don’t even know if I can express them all. I was scared he might not be as wealthy as I had always prayed my partner would be at the time of marriage. You see, I’ve experienced hunger in its raw form. I’ve worn rags; I’ve been deprived; I have cried because of penury and poverty. So I’d always hoped that I would one day fall in love with a wealthy born again Christian that would change everything for me. I was scared he would get broke in the future as my father did. I thought all sorts; what if he gets broke and he expects me to be in charge of the family’s finance.
Also, I have been body shamed a lot. Friends and family even do it unconsciously. I have funny spots from my hard life; I have a callused palm; I’ve been told my voice is too hoarse; my complexion is not even; I’ve been told my forehead is too prominent; I have an ugly scar on my arm and I’ve been told I’m as skinny as a boy. Interestingly, I believed every single thing I was told.
So I feared he would find a prettier girl along the line and he would get distracted. I was already scared of the relationship before it even started. They weren’t fears he implied at all, they were fears I had, and the tenacity of his action couldn’t have done much.
That’s not all. I feared he was way too intelligent and dogged for me. He knew where he was going and he wasn’t afraid to pursue his goals. He celebrated my career path, I knew he loved the fact that I am an “On-Air Personality.” He liked good media persons. What if I change my career path and I choose another career path entirely? Would he still love me? But I didn’t communicate my fears to him. I only stalled in giving him an answer. Goodness me! I prayed—I kept double-checking with God. Is he the one? Is it the right time? I consulted with mentors and got my affirmation before saying yes. However, I didn’t tell God my fears, I felt time would heal them. Finally, I decided to do it afraid and just go into the relationship.
The relationship was the best I know. We were friends; we had godly values; we prayed together; we cooked together when the opportunity presented itself; we went to parks a lot. Our parents knew about the relationship. We had so many couple fans and what I’d call relationship stakeholders. I was deliriously happy. I knew many friends wanted what I had.
But as time elapsed, my fears started rearing their ugly heads. I saw offences where there was none. I nailed him for every wrong. Every wrong word affirmed my fears. If he said he doesn’t have units, I’d be like; “I said it, he’s broke.” If he mentioned a girl to me, I got worked up. I’d just feel; he’s already getting attracted to her. I really began to hate being in a relationship; I felt stifled. My fears were my chains and fetters and I just couldn’t speak up. I couldn’t communicate them with him, I still feared he’d respect me less.
To be continued